Thursday, May 26, 2016

Looking for a direction in Life - Part 2

Thank God that after all that ranting 2 days ago, I became so much at peace. Peace to be able to look at my life and see what I have wanted, what I got and what I didn't get.

I knew I never really had real job satisfaction in my office jobs, being a creative and physical person. You know, back in school, I took up almost every sports for sports day :) Short distance running, shot putt, discus, table tennis although my best sport was representing my school in  volleyball and badminton where I won 2nd place. And being a swimmer representing my state. At that time, my state was so unknown to my own country that even though we've had at least 1 major swimmer who'd won a lot of medals, people still think we came from our neighbouring state, he he. That was how unpopular Kuching used to be.

Some people have the need to be something better. Some just want more in their lives. Some already have what they want and they're on track. I sincerely believe that those who are on track would be having the time of their lives. Then what about those who don't really know what to do yet?

As for me, I've always wanted to help people. I'm a pretty hands on person as well and enjoy doing physical work, like wood works, plumbing and sewing. All these didn't bring any meaning to me until the day that a loved one suffered from breast cancer.

In the beginning, it looked like there's still a fighting chance. All efforts went into going for naturopathy and it worked. We could see the light at the end of the tunnel, and we praised God when she beat it. She never even stopped going for her weekly aerobics. She is a strong woman and a real inspiration.

Some time later, the cancer cells came back. The doctor who used to give the naturopathy treatments had unfortunately passed on. Chemo was the only answer, the one that we all dreaded. She took pride on her beauty and body, so losing the crown of hair would have dire consequences on her self esteem.  In her past treatments, she got to keep her hair and her strength. For some of us ladies, what we see daily in the mirror affects us. She slowly deteriorated. Her health, her looks, the loss of hair and appetite. By the time I went back to visit, she had become really thin, sunken and had to wear a wig. It was heart-wrenching. I'd try to help her physically but I don't know how. She had to be connected to an oxygen tank.

The feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. Where are the experts? What is being done about this? All sorts of questions popped up. I searched online for exercises that she could do while she's on her chair. But who am I to tell her what to do when she has been attending aerobics her entire life? She is evidently, more physical than I. And I'm not an expert. I'm not a nurse or a physiotherapist. I'm not qualified to tell her which exercises to do so I did not.

When the last bit of news came from the doctor, it was devastating to all those around her. She was calmer than all of us. After all, she's the one in the fire, the one who have been sitting on amber coals. When I came back to visit again, she was bed-ridden. Her skin hung loosely where it used to hold taut muscles. She looked really vulnerable. The feeling of powerlessness was so overwhelming, I cried. This energy forced me to find physio exercises for her again. I knew it wouldn't help to take away her cancer, but I'm a physical person, looking for physical solutions. When I found the right exercises and had the courage, I'd help her move her limbs.

Looking back, she is my inspiration. This is what I must do. I shall be the physiotherapist I wanted to be. Time to put regrets in the past.

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