Looking for a direction in Life - Part 2

Thank God that after all that ranting 2 days ago, I became so much at peace. Peace to be able to look at my life and see what I have wanted, what I got and what I didn't get.

I knew I never really had real job satisfaction in my office jobs, being a creative and physical person. You know, back in school, I took up almost every sports for sports day :) Short distance running, shot putt, discus, table tennis although my best sport was representing my school in  volleyball and badminton where I won 2nd place. And being a swimmer representing my state. At that time, my state was so unknown to my own country that even though we've had at least 1 major swimmer who'd won a lot of medals, people still think we came from our neighbouring state, he he. That was how unpopular Kuching used to be.

Some people have the need to be something better. Some just want more in their lives. Some already have what they want and they're on track. I sincerely believe that those who are on track would be having the time of their lives. Then what about those who don't really know what to do yet?

As for me, I've always wanted to help people. I'm a pretty hands on person as well and enjoy doing physical work, like wood works, plumbing and sewing. All these didn't bring any meaning to me until the day that a loved one suffered from breast cancer.

In the beginning, it looked like there's still a fighting chance. All efforts went into going for naturopathy and it worked. We could see the light at the end of the tunnel, and we praised God when she beat it. She never even stopped going for her weekly aerobics. She is a strong woman and a real inspiration.

Some time later, the cancer cells came back. The doctor who used to give the naturopathy treatments had unfortunately passed on. Chemo was the only answer, the one that we all dreaded. She took pride on her beauty and body, so losing the crown of hair would have dire consequences on her self esteem.  In her past treatments, she got to keep her hair and her strength. For some of us ladies, what we see daily in the mirror affects us. She slowly deteriorated. Her health, her looks, the loss of hair and appetite. By the time I went back to visit, she had become really thin, sunken and had to wear a wig. It was heart-wrenching. I'd try to help her physically but I don't know how. She had to be connected to an oxygen tank.

The feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. Where are the experts? What is being done about this? All sorts of questions popped up. I searched online for exercises that she could do while she's on her chair. But who am I to tell her what to do when she has been attending aerobics her entire life? She is evidently, more physical than I. And I'm not an expert. I'm not a nurse or a physiotherapist. I'm not qualified to tell her which exercises to do so I did not.


When the last bit of news came from the doctor, it was devastating to all those around her. She was calmer than all of us. After all, she's the one in the fire, the one who have been sitting on amber coals. When I came back to visit again, she was bed-ridden. Her skin hung loosely where it used to hold taut muscles. She looked really vulnerable. The feeling of powerlessness was so overwhelming, I cried. This energy forced me to find physio exercises for her again. I knew it wouldn't help to take away her cancer, but I'm a physical person, looking for physical solutions. When I found the right exercises and had the courage, I'd help her move her limbs.

Looking back, she is my inspiration. This is what I must do. I shall be the physiotherapist I wanted to be. Time to put regrets in the past.

Looking for a direction in Life - Part 1

I've been looking around, doing research. Then strolled through memory lane. During my time, we either choose Arts stream or science stream in Malaysia. I remembered that I wanted to go for Science stream. My results were good enough to go that direction.

However, the reality was there were no more spots available in the classes in my school. We didn't know there would be a shortage of spots in class and didn't have enough time to go and apply for it at another school. In other words, it was simply too late, I couldn't join the science stream. I went on to study literature and didn't do too shabbily.

What I do is wonder what Add Maths looked like, since Maths has always been my strongest subject. I even thought of becoming a Maths professor. I would go to the library to study and when I was done, I'd read Moebius comic books. Below is one of the books.

If you played a game with me that involved calculations, be careful. I normally win (he he). The only one who could beat me was my older sister cause her Maths are strong too.

Why am I talking about this? Because I'm looking for a change in my life. Something that I really want and it may possibly be quite dramatic. Somehow, all the office jobs and sales jobs I've done never gave me much satisfaction. I did all of them to survive. I used to write scripts back in Uni days and normally my work would be chosen for project work. But I have stopped writing scripts for so long. I'm sure that I can write it again, just don't know how quickly I can churn one out. If one is completed, what can be done with it's completion is another story $$$ o_o.

I've been chatting with my friends about this. Since I'm in choir, it's pretty natural that the company I keep are mostly right brained friends and there are about 500 of us. However, you'd be surprised at their answers. They're normally not inclined to pursue singing careers, acting careers or artistic jobs. Among the 700 or so people I know, only 3 pursued writing to publish a book and 3 are (food) bloggers.

Well, when I pursued studies in Perth in my 20s, the desire to be a Chiropractor surfaced. I asked my mother, back then, if it would be alright to pursue that. I needed to look for a second opinion or more. Then I was dissuaded as Scientific courses were less affordable then artistic ones. There was also the issue of my educational background in secondary school where I only had 1 science subject. Alas, I was defeated there and just went for a Bachelor of Arts.

Subsequently, I couldn't find a job as a script-writer, and the small(ish) town that I come from is relatively scarce of jobs in the variety that I would go for. This brought me to Singapore (after a lot of deliberating, praying and fasting) as I knew that this is a fast-paced country, highly competitive and definitely more stressful as compared to working in Perth, WA or Kuching, Sarawak, Malaysia.

One can say that I've been putting my dreams on halt or pretty much forgot about it for a good part of my life. The worst part is, if you come from a family where you're the only one holding a degree among your siblings, there are expectations. In case you think I'm harping on this, please know that I'm really trying to reason this out, put it out there, and cause myself to find the direction I should take and then commit to it. How do people know what they should do? Tell me please. I need to know.

Melancholy - never a desired state of mind. Let's leave this 'place' and move on

I haven't felt this sad in a long, long time. I used to write a diary, but I left that habit a long, long time ago, too. You know what women do when they are sad? If you're married, you would know. If you got sisters and girlfriends, you should know too. Otherwise, this is how it looks like.

I see my friends who are in the same boat as I am, that is in a horrible financial situation (the economy isn't helping). You know what they do? They say it out. They talk to this group of friends, and then that group of friends, everywhere. I try to talk it out like they do. But in a day or so, I normally wind up wondering if that friend of mine would reveal the info to someone else, or worse still, use it against me?

It doesn’t help that my ex-boss is someone who cannot be disappointed because this is what he’ll do:

1. Start to give me the pros and cons of the subject of gossip (usually a human being)
2. Tell me what the ‘subject’ did or did not do which seems to affect him so much.
3. Boast about how much he has helped or guided the ‘subject’ towards mending weaknesses or obstacles.

Frankly speaking, if you are my friend and you said this to me about someone, I’m totally fine about it. But if you keep repeating this gossip, boasting on number 3, I cannot look at you the same way I look at other people (haha). Not anymore, I’m afraid.

Why am I talking about my boss? Because I look at him, and my distrust grows. I am totally discouraged from talking about my problems. It’s a pity that the community I live in lack loyalty and honour. The kind of feeling you get when you mention the name of someone you truly respect, like Mother Teresa and Gandhi. We should actually be feeling that way: reverence, towards our parents and grand parents. We should have loyalty among friends whom you can trust to be able to keep your secrets. But unfortunately, times have changed.

My fellow friends and I are living in a country where nearly everyone [Gen X & Gen Y] is either an only child or have only 1 other sibling in the family. Do you know what that does to people? Well, that depends on whether you know about the middle child syndrome.

 
Once you read this, you’ll know what I’m trying to say. Here’s an excerpt from Urban Dictionary if you don’t feel like clicking away :)

“Because the bigger sibling is the first born and typically an over-achiever, they are the most important and get the most privileges. A younger sibling is the 'baby' of a family and gets away with more as well as being the most looked-after. Middle-child syndrome starts when the middle child is squeezed between these two and have trouble finding their 'niche' in the family.”

Imagine living in a city populated by about 5 million people and generation X & Y consists of people who are the only child OR they had only 1 sibling in the family.

The eldest sibling who is typically the over achiever (you’d think this is good right?), are the self important ones and who get the most privileges. This group of people is more than half of this demography.

Who makes up the other half? People who get away with almost anything as well as being the most looked-after (the younger sibling/ the baby). Not only do they get away with most things, they are even being defended by like-minded friends who have the same characteristics as well as their parents. Imagine being in the service industry and having to deal with them (think about it), ho ho ho. Not easy, my friend.

How did I even come up with this? Because I deal with huge amounts of people on a daily basis. Even though I said I don’t care, the truth is, that I do.

Where do I see loyalty and honour nowadays? Only in movies and novels. I’m afraid I don’t think it exists in my country or my neighbouring country anymore. When the neighbouring country is one that is so full of corruption that is so obvious to those who are looking, it’s hard to believe that there’s anyone you can actually trust.

You’re gonna tell me, “Well that’s how you get psychologically unsound. By keeping all of 30 years of anger and frustration, sadness and failures.” Or what are you going to tell me? Leave me a comment.

It's Mooncake Festival !

This is a display of paper lanterns which is one way of celebrating the Mooncake Festival.

I officially do not celebrate this occasion, but I wanted to capture the beauty of it.

This doorway took my government 500,000 MYR to make, which is 146,808.95 USD or 165,779.52 AUD. If u don't think that's a lot of money, then please send me an email, or...
gimme your number... heheh..JK

I just don't think that kind of expenditure is necessary.

Now I have not done this much night capturing before, so I know my handy work has got plenty of room for improvement. Despite that fact, I can't help myself from capturing these photos.

I also got very short videos of these but Blogger seems to have problems uploading my vids. So for the moment, enjoy these pictures of the night, peeps.